Mother's Schadenfreuden

Today I had this light that lit up inside me, not in a good way, more like a fire that is burning part of me the same way the inquisition used to burn heretics. I was just going through the immense amount of stuff there is in the basement to sort out and choose what to keep and what not, when I was putting things inside of an old closet, and those things wore clothes from my childhood. Suddenly my freakish mind started to co-create and enroll a thought of a fanciful conversation between me and my mother. The discussion was about my childhood clothing, that I didn’t want to keep because I would not have use for it, she answered that it could be for my children. To what I said "I would never have children, only if it was an accident". She looked at me shocked, "why not?", to what I replied "After all the curses that you threw at me while I was growing as a teen of what kind of bad child I would have, I would only have kids if I was stupid". She looked at me amazed and I added up "Yeah, and if by accident I would have to have one, I would do anything possible for you to never meet them. You don't deserve, and I don't want them near your curses." My mother would start to cry, and victimizing herself saying "What have I done to deserve this?!" and I would smile, and don't give two fucks about her. At this moment, a sudden thought broke that stupid fantasy, and I realized... I'm having thoughts of being happy by my mother being sad. WHAT A FUCK?! What kind a monster am I? How can this happen? Am I a Psychopath? I enrolled on youtube searching "feeling pleasure in other people's pain"... and I realized that this happens to many people for various reasons. It has a name for it Schadenfreuden, not exactly translatable in one word for English or Portuguese, but oddly German people can have a word for it. It translates into something like suffering happiness... yeah, pretty weird. I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that I consciously realized this, that I take pleasure in my mother suffering, and I bet not just on my mother's. When I was a child, I was kind of terrible, and my sister now never listens to me because it comes from me and even what I'm saying is correct, she ignores it because it was me who said it. This are her words, she has told me this, and I never understood why, and I don't recall doing bad things to her. Actually, I remember her putting the blame on me and then I would end up being beaten and her smiling at me while my mother would do it. Maybe we both had this "Schadenfrauden" thing while growing up, but because I'm (mentally) stronger, I would end up doing it more to her that she would do to me. It is hard for me, to deal with this, it shattered my idea of who I am. I feel that I'm some kind of monster, I know I have my traumas and my wounds, and I'm doing my best to recover from them... but I never thought that I could be in a way emotionally rotten, and be able to feel this kind of emotions, be so awful. Right now I am crying, and feeling like I don't deserve anything. My mother could be the worse mother in the world, still that does not give me in any way the right to feel pleasure and joy though other people’s pain and suffering. Who am I? I don't know... I think I'll keep on digging to the core until I understand the moment this thing was created within me, so I can re-writing it and fix it. Maybe I should look for guidance and help so I can heal, not that I trust psychologists, but maybe I can go back to my hypnotherapist and she could be of some guidance. Well, looking in on the bright side, at least I uncovered something that I can change and now that I am aware of it I can be more vigilant of my thoughts. Not in a way of repressing it, but if that shenanigans comes again, I can look in a different way, observing from a far, seeing the emotions and the plot. Investigate them. Today I learned something about myself, by myself... and now, I must integrate the knowledge in the conscient mind, so I can heal my unconscious Schadenfreuden issue. Learn something about yourself, though yourself, and heal from there.