Prisoner of my only friend
I've always been a solitary person, never found many likeminded people to talk.
While I grew up, books wore my best friends, I could just simply be in a parallel
reality. I didn't like my reality, and I loved to escape to them, to my friends,
with whom I could be with a likeminded characters or not, but at least I was an
observer, not the victim or the perpetrator.
In school I had four or five friends, and never made a very strong connection. Not just because those people
wore still not my kind and I have terrible issues with trusting people, and
letting people inside.
In the University I was able to meet very different types of people. I became a party animal because in a ways was addictive to meet so
many different people from all the faculties but law and fine art people wore
the people that I get most likeminded. I was very happy at that time, but a bit
like always, studies wore kind of the bare minimum and yeah, I graduated. Then I
ended up entering a master degree, but because I lacked study method, never had
much friends in my faculties and the teachers... well didn't care much aside from
the paycheck I ended up being very frustrated. Aside from that I was living with
people that did too many drugs, was working a part-time job that had to last for
me to survive. Then I took even a more stupid leap, live by myself with very
little funds. Damn, I had to pull so many rabbits out of the top hat... I
entered depression. I was falling school, having no friends or money to go out
and meet people, and was counting all my money, living below the poverty line.
There was a month where I did a "Elon Musk Challenge" and I ate that month with
34,20 euros. That was only possible because the canteen of my job had meals for
50 cents, it was a symbolic price, and that saved my life. I dug myself a hole, and
was in a terrible relationship. aside from work was the only person that I
talked to. I can't say it was a boyfriend because he said that we never dated,
we wore basically "f*ck buddies". It was terrible but he saved me, or at least
kept me at float with my nose out of the water so I wouldn't drown. That
relationship lasted for about 5 years, a bit on and off. I would see in him
someone that could hug me and protect me, but he was not. I was just, his sex
doll for distraction from studies. When I finally was able to break free I was
having two friends around, my goddaughter and a friend from high school that
came to live in the city I was. I was making friends at work, and got also a
smartphone.
I was getting financially stable and was seeing the world in a way
that is not just surviving and have money to pay the expenses and food. My
goddaughter made my get a cat, and the I got a brother for my cat. I was alone
again and my tablet and my phone became my friends, where I could escape into a
world of likeminded people, where I was not judged and had no trust issues,
because I can always be suspicious of the information and find out more and from
various sources.
This year I came back to my hometown, gave up my job and my
financial freedom. My job was getting very bad, my landlord wanted to raise the
price of the rent for more 100 euros a month. I was not having it, I said fuck it
all, I want to go abroad, but first I had to find a place for my stuff, so I
came "home", the place I always wanted to escape so bad.
I was at my starting point again. I realized I have nobody in the world I can trust, I only have
myself. My computer and my phone are my friends, but I'm prisoner of them. They
regurgitated the information that I want to hear or know, rarely we crash ideas
and I feel that I live in a cave just with my echo... In a way I feel that day
by day I just dig the hole deeper. I don't even know why! Maybe because the only
thing that I ever learned was to dig holes and just stay there, not confronting
anyone. Even writing like I'm doing now, I use to do it to free myself from
pain and for about 7 years I didn’t do it. I was a prisoner of survival, I was a
prisoner of a bad relationship, I am a prisoner of my devices, and they are the
only ones that I can communicate with. I don't even use much social media aside
from lurking around, I don't like to expose myself. Yeah, the thing of being in
the hole, or cave... I'm tired of being a prisoner, the only thing I want is to
break free!
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