Prisoner of my only friend

I've always been a solitary person, never found many likeminded people to talk. While I grew up, books wore my best friends, I could just simply be in a parallel reality. I didn't like my reality, and I loved to escape to them, to my friends, with whom I could be with a likeminded characters or not, but at least I was an observer, not the victim or the perpetrator. In school I had four or five friends, and never made a very strong connection. Not just because those people wore still not my kind and I have terrible issues with trusting people, and letting people inside. In the University I was able to meet very different types of people. I became a party animal because in a ways was addictive to meet so many different people from all the faculties but law and fine art people wore the people that I get most likeminded. I was very happy at that time, but a bit like always, studies wore kind of the bare minimum and yeah, I graduated. Then I ended up entering a master degree, but because I lacked study method, never had much friends in my faculties and the teachers... well didn't care much aside from the paycheck I ended up being very frustrated. Aside from that I was living with people that did too many drugs, was working a part-time job that had to last for me to survive. Then I took even a more stupid leap, live by myself with very little funds. Damn, I had to pull so many rabbits out of the top hat... I entered depression. I was falling school, having no friends or money to go out and meet people, and was counting all my money, living below the poverty line. There was a month where I did a "Elon Musk Challenge" and I ate that month with 34,20 euros. That was only possible because the canteen of my job had meals for 50 cents, it was a symbolic price, and that saved my life. I dug myself a hole, and was in a terrible relationship. aside from work was the only person that I talked to. I can't say it was a boyfriend because he said that we never dated, we wore basically "f*ck buddies". It was terrible but he saved me, or at least kept me at float with my nose out of the water so I wouldn't drown. That relationship lasted for about 5 years, a bit on and off. I would see in him someone that could hug me and protect me, but he was not. I was just, his sex doll for distraction from studies. When I finally was able to break free I was having two friends around, my goddaughter and a friend from high school that came to live in the city I was. I was making friends at work, and got also a smartphone. I was getting financially stable and was seeing the world in a way that is not just surviving and have money to pay the expenses and food. My goddaughter made my get a cat, and the I got a brother for my cat. I was alone again and my tablet and my phone became my friends, where I could escape into a world of likeminded people, where I was not judged and had no trust issues, because I can always be suspicious of the information and find out more and from various sources. This year I came back to my hometown, gave up my job and my financial freedom. My job was getting very bad, my landlord wanted to raise the price of the rent for more 100 euros a month. I was not having it, I said fuck it all, I want to go abroad, but first I had to find a place for my stuff, so I came "home", the place I always wanted to escape so bad. I was at my starting point again. I realized I have nobody in the world I can trust, I only have myself. My computer and my phone are my friends, but I'm prisoner of them. They regurgitated the information that I want to hear or know, rarely we crash ideas and I feel that I live in a cave just with my echo... In a way I feel that day by day I just dig the hole deeper. I don't even know why! Maybe because the only thing that I ever learned was to dig holes and just stay there, not confronting anyone. Even writing like I'm doing now, I use to do it to free myself from pain and for about 7 years I didn’t do it. I was a prisoner of survival, I was a prisoner of a bad relationship, I am a prisoner of my devices, and they are the only ones that I can communicate with. I don't even use much social media aside from lurking around, I don't like to expose myself. Yeah, the thing of being in the hole, or cave... I'm tired of being a prisoner, the only thing I want is to break free!

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