The Greatest Challenge

Fortunately, it has been a while since I woke up and the first thing I did was starting to cry... Unfortunately, it happened again this morning, and I am still crying. If I ask myself why am I crying I don't really know the motive, but I feel helpless, worthless and somehow eager that life ends because clearly I'm not up to this challenge. I know I'm being a whinny, that my life is not that hard, actually is not hard at all... I live in a beautiful home that I built for myself, I have plenty of food and water and even though I got covid, my health is good... many people are dealing with worse. But it feels so hurtful that I can't find my reason to live, something to fight for a goal... at least when someone hurts me, I find strength in the pain to fight back, to change my trajectory, but this helpless pain of being alive for no reason digs up a hole in me that only gets bigger and bigger, because it leads me only to more weakness, and I can’t seem to find the reason to fight back. I've been here once, when I had depression in my early 20's, but my job gave me a mission and a purpose, now how have neither a job or a purpose and I'm back here... at the pit of the worthless helpless pain. Gratitude exercises help, but I still feel so much pain, very few people understand this pain, I think I people have to go though it in order to understand it. it is a pain that is not on the body or on the mind, but it can reflect on both. It is a pain in the soul. My way to put it would be like being in a bottom of a well, you can see a circle of light on the top, a very small one because the well is so deep, but feels worthless to try to climb out, so you sit on the bottom, crying waiting for time to pass by so life ends and you are freed from that place by death. I wish I was special, that I was on a hero's journey and all of this had a purpose or a meaning. I know that God loves me, and never abandons me, not even on my darkest hour, but I'm just a pawn in this life game.